Women Reveal Things Men Think Women Like, But Really Don’t
What do women truly want out of a romantic relationship? This question has been the focal point of all sorts of middling movies, and still remains a bit of a mystery. In the absence of a definitive answer, lots of men just seem to wing it.
But it doesn't need to be so complicated. In fact, thanks to the discourse on Reddit, we have a treasure trove of answers. So let's dig in, de-mystify this whole thing, and stop playing guessing games.
"Some guys seem to think I'll only respect them if they're the authority on everything."
This is really just calling out mansplaining - when a man, who is by no means an expert on a given topic, still tries to be an authoritative voice. This is often done with women present, some of whom may actually be an authority on the subject.
Most of us have a few areas of expertise and about a million areas where we don't aren't knowledgeable enough to be an authority. It's always good to know what you know, and also to know what you don't know.
"Showing off/flexing/comparing yourself to others in order to brag."
This is kind of a male trait, isn't it? Not all men feel the need to do this, but it's still quite common. "Some guys think it makes them look cool," OP writes, "But I just think it makes them look insecure."
The wider point here is that being a braggart is never attractive. Those who can channel their inner confidence without being overt about it tend to do better in relationships. A healthy dose of self-deprecation doesn't hurt, either.
"Being a 'tough guy.'"
Hot on the heels of the last trait, this is the more dangerous, more violent cousin of being braggadocious. OP clarifies that they're talking about the kind of guy who tries to pick fights with strangers - fights that are never, ever worth it.
The culture surrounding toxic masculinity is part of this - from a young age, lots of men internalize the notion that they should be the protectors. That said, you can still be a protector without sucker punching strangers.
"Read the room before buying her lingerie for her birthday."
This comment points out that these gifts can be pretty fun - but, at the end of the day, it's really more of a gift for the man than the woman, because lingerie isn't particularly practical.
"Maybe ask if she is into that first," OP wrote. "I'm sure some women like it, but as a young wife and mother who had drawers full of [all sorts of costumes and lingerie], I would have appreciated a new pair of jeans and a new top way more."
"Alpha personalities, like if they specifically say they're an alpha."
They might see it as signalling that they have a strong, assertive personality - but I think most of us see it for what it is, which is outing themselves as being deeply insecure.
Also, for what it's worth, the whole idea of "alpha" came from the study of wolf packs - and the concept was withdrawn because it was based on wolves in captivity. This means that true alpha wolves are sad, angry, hemmed in, and are ill-adapted to real life.
"Not taking no for an answer."
This ties into consent, which is a critical component of any relationship. OP points out that some guys think a "no" answer just means that they need to keep trying different approaches until they get the answer they want.
Another commenter, who acknowledges that she finds it hard to be assertive, says her favorite expression in these situations is, "No does not mean convince me." In other words, no means no - and if it means something else to you, check yourself.
"Negging."
A quick catch-up: negging is expressing negativity about a person through subtle and overt put-downs, with the goal of breaking that person down to the point that they've lost at least some of their built-in confidence.
This behavior, needless to say, is ugly - especially in the context of relationships. If someone is worth spending time with, why would anyone want to spend that time insulting them? It's a bullying tactic that says far more about the person who's doling it out.
"Trash talking behind people's backs."
This is a gross trait to see in anybody, isn't it? If someone is overly willing to throw people under the bus or slander their names, what does it say about that person - and what will they say about you once your back is turned?
Everyone needs a confidant from time to time, and sometimes confiding in a person involves complaints about other people. But this gossipy, backstabbing behavior is a red flag that's pretty easy to spot.
"Putting on an act. Don't try to win us with either arrogance or self-deprecation."
Here's one with a bit of subtlety. Arrogance isn't a great trait to display, but self-deprecation can be a great way to break down barriers and get comfortable with someone. But, as always, it's important to walk a fine line.
Confidence is good, but too much confidence can make you look arrogant. Likewise, self-deprecation is good, but too much of it can make you look self-conscious and even self-loathing. Walking down the middle is easier said than done, but still entirely possible.
"Driving stupidly with me in the car to try and show off."
OP continues, saying this kind of behavior is an "absolute no" from her. This makes a lot of sense, as most of us have been in a car at some point with an unpredictable driver. It isn't a pleasant experience.
For those who like to get both fast and furious when driving, a gentle reminder: even if you're a great driver, you'll probably be safer if you chill out a bit. Also, women are probably going to like you more if you drive like a normal human being.
"Hearing about the hookups he had with women before me."
Isn't this basically the number one red flag early on in a relationship? Obviously, as things progress, you're bound to learn about your new partner's past partners. But at the outset, it's kind of an off-putting thing to hear about.
We all carry baggage from past relationships, but at the outset of a new relationship, it's best to look to the future as much as possible. Those who dwell in the past are bound to stay there, at least in a mental sense.
"So many men consider not having basic hygiene as a flex."
This one is somewhat horrifying, because you'd like to think that having good hygiene would be top of mind in any intimate relationship, especially when it's a newer relationship. People want to be with people who smell nice - it isn't complicated!
Part of this probably stems from the antiquated notion that men should keep their routine simple - shower, shave, and don't mess with moisturizers or anything perceived to be feminine. No one's asking men to have a complicated beauty routine - they just need to shower regularly.
"Being told 'you're not like other girls.' We legit hate that phrase."
This one's interesting, because it's supposed to be a compliment - but just the smallest amount of unpacking shows that it's a really weird way to try to say something nice about a person.
If you're a man and you say this about a woman, it begs the question: how is she not like other women? Why are you so comfortable generalizing all women? Are you not implicitly insulting women on the whole by portraying their traits as negative?
"Men who 'don't cry,' and think real men don't go to therapy."
It's only in recent years that going to therapy has been mainstreamed as a normal thing to do. For a lot of people, it was almost like a dirty secret, something not to be discussed in polite company.
Some men internalize this to the point that they stifle their own emotions. Even relatively emotionless people need to feel their feelings from time to time - and if they can't do it around their loving partner, how are those feelings going to be expressed?
"Being a 'nice guy.'"
We could delve into quite the rabbit hole here, but to quickly summarize: "nice guys" are generally self-pitying types who resent the fact that their perceived niceness doesn't result in hookups as often as they might like.
Remember, being nice is maybe the lowest bar a potential partner could clear. It's also a common courtesy, not some kind of heroic act that should entitle a person to hook up with whomever they please. That just isn't how attraction has ever worked.
"Continuing to pursue me after I said no. I'm not playing hard to get bro, I actually just dont like you."
I think we can blame several generations' worth of movies for this one, along with Pepé Le Pew. It's actually deeply messed up how many romantic stories are predicated around a man pursuing an uninterested woman until he wears down her defenses.
Most of the time, we can safely take others at face value. If sparks fly and things are flirty, that's usually a green light to ask someone out. If a person is visibly disgusted by your romantic overtures, then they're probably not the one.
"Being physically picked up or tickled. A lot of women do like being picked up but I hate it....ask first."
We've circled back to another point that touches on consent. It's also a good lesson for interacting with anybody. Humans are social animals, and on some level, most of us crave touch. But that doesn't mean that people want to be touched unexpectedly.
Just think about how uncomfortable it is when someone invades your personal space. Even if it's well-intentioned, it can be horrifying to find your body wrapped up by someone who decided on a whim to throw their arms around you.
"Axe deodorant."
As a millennial who was in high school in the early aughts, I feel seen. After all, the Axe advertising campaigns basically promised men that they'd be fending women off if they just doused themselves in enough vanilla-scented aerosol spray to choke an elephant.
We shouldn't blame Axe too much, though, because it's just one symptom of a larger issue: scent, and how much to use. It can be a tricky thing to gauge, but if you just shower regularly and smell nice, you really don't need much added fragrance.
"Unsolicited racy pics."
You just knew we'd get to this one eventually. This is a phenomenon that didn't even exist 20 years ago, but nowadays everyone has a camera - and some guys just can't seem to help themselves from photographing their junk.
There's no doubt that all sorts of people appreciate a racy pic from time to time, but the key word in this complaint is "unsolicited." Until someone specifically requests one of these pics, it's probably best to just keep it in your pants.
"Being viewed as interchangeable units who all like and dislike exactly the same things."
This is an excellent point - every single person on planet Earth is a unique entity, with their own quirks, traits, turn-ons and turn-offs. There's no magical decoder ring that will "solve" the question of what women want (or what men want, for that matter).
The best we can do is to recognize everyone's individuality, actively listen, and endeavor to treat people the way that they want to be treated. It's the golden rule - and it's a great guideline for any romantic relationship.