I wish I could say that I'm a well-adjusted person when it comes to social media, but I love internet stalking way too much to ever be considered a rational human. I have jumped to so many conclusions many times and have been disrupted by my own love life, and yet persist to lose my mind over a guy I'm dating's social media activity.
However, I do feel very reassured to know that many other women do the same and would never judge me for being three years deep into his mom's step-sister's Instagram. These are memes that are all too relatable if you're a crazy person when it comes to your social media use.
I Only Post For One Guy And That's IT
I don't care that over a thousand people have watched my story and I've received many heart-eye reactions from guys who are obsessed with me, why hasn't MATT watched my story yet? It's been two hours.
App Use Is The New Way To Catch Cheaters
Who needs a P.I. when you can lurk what your man is doing on various apps? One time my friend caught her boyfriend hooking up with his ex via Snap Map.
Shakespeare Said, "To Like Or Not To Like—That Is The Question"
Life is full of hard choices, like how to really stick it to that person who did you dirty by very strategically giving out likes. Does the person even notice? It's unclear.
It's So Cute How Naïve Men Are!
I once found out all of a man's social media without knowing his last name by looking through his local hockey team's roster stats from 2013. Woman are capable of anything, sir.
Delete, Re-Download, Repeat
Deleting all of my social media and focusing on having organic, in-person experiences with other people might be good for my health, but chaotically stalking and getting anxious about other people's lives is way more entertaining.
Not You, Peasant!
When I said that I just wished that I had a guy to talk to and cuddle with, it wasn't an open invitation to flood my DM's. The only person who can respond is Matt.
Men Reverse Catfish On IG
Here's what I'm saying: you'll meet an absolute cutie out in public and start to catch feelings for him, but his Instagram makes him look like a dumpster gremlin and all your friends think that you're insane and/or blind. It's reverse catfishing.
Wanting Attention And Validation With No Regard For Men's Feelings? I Might Just Do
I'm not saying that it's healthy or a good thing to do, I'm just saying that it works. Sometimes you just want to flirt for fun without caring about the results because you're bored and like attention.
I'm Ready To Be Hurt Again
I always feel so confident going in to lurk, and always end up in the same emotionally distressed situation moments later. Why did I think I would feel any better this time?
Oversharing Is Just Me Word-Vomiting Into The Void
I might say way too much about my life and post really depressing stuff onto my TL and stories, but that's none of your business. And I, under no circumstances, want you to ask me about it.
My Superiority Complex Needed That, Thank You
Here's the thing: I think it's totally fair for me to get over a guy within seconds of breaking up with him, but it's disrespectful if he doesn't remain obsessed with me forever. If he does move on, it's still good to know that I was the best he had.
The Sunday Scaries Of Social Media
When I've had enough drinks, I decide that it's my duty to show everyone (Matt) how much fun I'm having with my friends. It's not until I wake up and watch it the next day that I realize how un-funny and embarrassing it was.
This Was The Setback None Of Us Were Ready For
The activity log was a horrible guilty pleasure of mine. I loved knowing what people were liking at all hours of the night and then falling into despair when my crush liked a post from Emily Ratajkowski.
We Still Know What Men Are Liking Though
Did you think that the loss of the activity page could stop us? Please. We may no longer have the timestamps, but we persevere to stalk the pages of the local insta-girls you follow and check if you liked it.
My Mental State Is Tenuously Connected To Attention
You didn't respond to my DM? I'm catatonic. You opened my Snapchat and didn't respond? I'm spiraling. You were active on Instagram in the past hour but didn't like my bikini photo? Someone plan my funeral.
Unfortunately, We Sometimes Play Ourselves
I share the chaotic inner workings of my brain on the finsta for the girls, and now I have to investigate which snitch friend of mine exposed my psychotic behavior to my boyfriend.
I Acknowledge The Double Standard And I Stand By It
I don't care that we're in a stable, communicative, loving relationship and you treat me perfectly. If you like that girl's pic where she looks cute at a coffee shop it counts as cheating. But like, yeah, I can like my ex's pics.
We Could Be Dating For Years, And I'll Still Creep
I could be married to my husband of seven years, and I still would be sifting through an extensive history of all of his photos leading back to his seventh grade trip to Six Flags. I shouldn't have to explain why.
Please, Do Not Follow Me On Twitter
My Twitter page is a complicated and lawless stream of my dumbest and most crazy thoughts, and under no circumstances do I want most people from my life following it. Especially not romantic prospects.
But, Alas, We Have Our Reasons
Maybe if men didn't gaslit us and keep us off the 'gram because they're actually unfaithful, we wouldn't feel the need to lurk and analyze all of the available information online.